| Gary meets Linda. They fall
in love. They decide to marry. And oh, by the way, Gary
brings along from his first marriage Missy (age 11)
and Troy (age 13); Linda brings with her Jeremy (8)
and Todd (16). Let the games begin!
Missy: “I’m the only girl
so I should have my own bathroom and I get to sit in
the front seat on trips.”
Troy: “I’m not sharing
a room with Jeremy and Todd. They’re slobs. I
want my own computer. Why should Missy have it in her
room? And there’s no way I’m sitting down
to dinner with this gang. We’re not even a family
anymore!”
Jeremy: “Why does Missy get
to sit in the front all the time? I want to live with
my real dad. Why should I have to take out the garbage
here? Todd never has to do anything.”
Todd: “When can I get the car?
Why should I have to listen to you, Mom? You ruined
you own life when you divorced Dad. Don’t think
Gary is ever going to tell me what to do.”
Sound familiar? You’ve tried counseling. You’ve
tried bargaining. You’ve tried reading up on Natural
and Logical Consequences. You’ve tried time outs
and losing privileges. Why isn’t it working as
consistently as you’d like?
When families blend, there is often an unleashing of
so much emotion, of awkwardness, of territoriality,
of testing the waters. No matter how much preparation,
the reality of living together in a “new family”
tests everyone’s metal. Mediation is another alternative
that many families are unaware of and that is worth
considering.
Federal mediation. Peer mediation. Divorce mediation.
We’ve seen headlines using these terms or perhaps
our kids are fortunate to have a Peer Mediation program
at school. What is mediation exactly and how can it
be applied to families?
Mediation is a process by which a neutral third party
(mediator) sits down with disputants and facilitates
their decision-making process as they settle their conflict.
In its purest form, mediation is the art of peace-making.
Helping parties who may be angry, frustrated, hopeless
or just wanting to be fair as they make decisions is
very rewarding work especially with its 85% success
rate overall.
If Linda and Gary’s new family came for mediation,
these would be the steps:
- Mediator would introduce her/himself, relate experience
as a mediator, explain how
mediation works (gives ground rules like
no name calling, one person speaks at a time, no digging
up past history, confidentiality).
- Gary and Linda may agree to listen to the children/teens
and not speak. Missy, Todd,
Troy and Jeremy each get to say what concerns they
have and conflicts they get into. The mediator
makes a list of their conflicts (who’s
“allowed” to parent them, punishment,
chores, car seating arrangements, use of computer,
TV time, etc). Mediator keeps all on task and allows
each one to voice concerns respectfully.
- Children/teens decide on one or two issues
to decide to work on in the coming week.
If the list is short, all decisions can be made in
one session lasting one to two hours maximum. If list
is long, family prioritizes list, and returns for
subsequent session(s) as needed.
- Children/teens brainstorm about
alternatives for the one or two conflicts to start
the negotiation process.
- Family then agrees to the alternatives
they like best. (Step-parents who have been quietly
listening, of course have the right to step in if
the solutions their kids come up with are outrageous
or out of the question. However, given the chance,
teens and children often surprise Step-parents when
guided properly.)
- Mediator draws up written agreement
which each family member signs and gives to each participant.
During the next week, family members begin to activate
their decisions. In subsequent mediations (if needed),
the effectiveness of the children/teen decisions are
discussed briefly before proceeding to one or two
other issues.
Different from counseling, the children and teens have
the main say-so in solving their own disputes in mediation.
Because they have taken an active part in the decision-making
process, the likelihood of abiding by the win-win terms
is high.
Parents who observe quietly in mediation, may subsequently
use this mediation model at home for a family meeting
if there is a fairly good rapport with the step-children.
If a good deal of conflict persists, returning to the
impartial mediator may be preferred.
Mediation can be used in other situations as well:
nuclear family conflict, Elder Mediation involving caregivers
and seniors, neighborhood disputes, and business conflict
to name some. The basic format of mediation remains
the same.
If “that’s not fair!” is a theme
you’ve heard in your household, mediation may
be a solution to consider. |
