| Because I like to be up on things,
(after all, Dr. Phil and Oprah have dedicated several
shows to the topic of bullying), I can at least devote
one column to it.
Parents and teachers are somewhat divided on the issue.
Some believe that in order for kids to get a spine,
their children either need to be able to defend themselves
or to enact the “sticks-and-stones” rule
if they become targets of bullies.
Other adults believe that bullying is actually a hidden
sub-culture. And, of course, wanting to stay in the
company of Dr. Phil, Oprah, and the FBI (just attended
a seminar with its post-Columbine report), I tend to
go with the hidden sub-culture facts.
Not that we want to raise a generation of mamby-pambies
who whimper over the smallest slight. Children need
to learn that not everyone likes them, that some people
are not nice, AND that they can rise above petty behaviors
of others without crushing their self worth.
The majority of students will reach graduation without
an incident of violence. Most can fend off name-calling,
playground turf issues, shoving in the halls, and other
games students play without getting too roughed up or
damaging their developing egos.
However, for some children, being the target of bullying
has led to some disastrous moments in our nation’s
history. The media’s coverage of school shootings
in the last few years since Columbine has brought the
topic of bullying once again into pubic consciousness.
Bullying does not always lead to aggressive, violent,
retaliative behavior. But it only takes a few really
bad times to get our attention. Even if a shooting is
not the consequence, there remain many others:
- Targets of school bullies fear attending school
and can make up excuses to stay home
- Targets do not learn (on their own) to become assertive
- Targets’ grades, self esteem, concentration,
participation in school events often suffer
- Targets tend to keep more to themselves and “go
underground” in their torment because they are
not often believed by parents or teachers.
- Students who bully often grow up to be workplace
bullies later in life if the behavior is unchecked
early on
- 89% of workplace bullies are bosses (The Bully
at Work, Drs. Gary and Ruth Namie, PhD, 2000).
In our work with school-girl bullies, we find that
their tactics are far more subtle than their boy-counterparts.
Boys tend to push, shove, hit, kick and rough-house.
Girls, on the other hand, gossip, nudge each other,
roll their eyes, laugh at victims, make threats, give
glaring, intimidating looks, and use the “computer
rumor mill” for their approach
Little girls don’t grow up deciding to bully.
Most of them are insecure in themselves and feel a lot
of pressure to conform or fear retaliation if they do
not become part of the “bullying elite”
at school. Once they become part of the bullying crowd,
fear of rejection or of losing their popularity in the
group locks them into these subtle but aggressive behaviors.
It is also not unusual for the young girl bully to have
a totally sweet personality at home.
The target of bullying often lives in terror from the
time she leaves home in the morning. The bus ride, cafeteria,
playground, school halls, bathrooms are all unsafe places
when one lives in terror of being hurt by bullies directly,
or of being hurt worse if she “tattles.”
Targets can become social isolates and become withdrawn,
stutter, grow anxious, and develop many physical symptoms
as a result of trying to handle this problem alone.
If a child tells a parent or teacher and is not believed,
the feeling of isolation and sometimes despair can grow.
In her book, Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of
Aggression in Girls, author Rachel Simmons studied
300 school girls in middle and early high school grades.
She finds that girl bullies tend to run in packs and
“slip beneath the radar of parents and teachers”
who tend to look the other way or minimize the problem.
Simmons recommends:
- Listen to your children when they talk about being
bullied
- Don’t trivialize the incident
- Ask questions, at times in the third person, if
the child won’t open up, e.g., “If Amanda
bullies anyone at school, what does she typically
do?”
- Validate what your child or student says, e.g.,
“That must be very hard on you. I can’t
imagine how I would feel if someone was treating me
that way.” Or, “I believe what you’re
telling me, and we’re going to figure out what
to do together.”
- Don’t tolerate bullying by looking the other
way
- Provide an all-school/PTA in-service at your school
- Start an anti-bullying campaign at school, such
as the “Don’t Laugh at Me Project”
by Operation Respect.
As the next school term begins, having a conversation
with your school-age daughters about the problem of
bullying might be eye-opening. If there is a problem,
I encourage parents to open a dialogue with school personnel
to get their read on the matter.
I encourage school personnel to order free copies (can
receive up to 25 at a time) of the Secret Service Threat
Assessment in Schools: A Guide to Managing Threatening
Situations and to Creating Safe School Climates
and The Final Report and Findings of the Safe School
Initiative: Implications for the Prevention of School
Attacks in the United States by calling 1-877-433-7827.
We can each do our part to creating safe and emotionally
healthy climates in which our students can learn and
thrive – bully-less.
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