“My 9-year old lives like a slob. He never picks up his clothes, toys are strewn all over the house, he picks on his sister constantly, and he interrupts adults when they’re talking…” (You get the picture.)

In our counseling and mediation practice, we often hear these kinds of complaints from parents and guardians, and it’s often just about one child in the family.

While we all expect our children to grow into well-mannered, respectful citizens, or who at the very least won’t make a scene when we’re at grandma’s house, it’s not realistic to expect children to suddenly reinvent themselves overnight just because we ask them to. Helping children learn responsibility and acceptable behavior can be easier if your expectations for them are spelled out clearly.

Many parents have found using a chart for each child to be helpful. Ask your child’s help in putting a chart together—this encourages a child to take ownership in changing his/her behavior.

On one side of the chart, list those behaviors you’re always “yelling” at your child about or that your child feels he/she is often being scolded for. Across the top of the chart, list the days of the week.

Next, ask your child to pick 2 or 3 items that he/she will work on this week. Every time the child succeeds in accomplishing ONLY those 2 or 3 behaviors correctly, place a star (or other sticker) on the day of the week. Parents/guardians will agree to ignore the other behaviors on the list, and reward the ones the child has chosen to work on, agreeing on how many start will earn the reward.

Across the bottom of the chart, write in the week’s reward. Ask your child to choose an activity that will involve mom and/or dad, that you’ll do together. Examples might include gong to a movie or picking the weekend videos along with the adult, a trip to the mall, a walk in the park, fishing trip, etc. Set time and money limits if necessary.

If the reward isn’t earned the first week, the child tries again the next week. Once a reward is earned, the child chooses another behavior on the list to work on. Because an adult is paying attention, a child will often exceed expectations, adding more to his/her own list without being asked.